My husband and I have a holiday tradition. Every year, close to Christmas, we get a babysitter, go out for Chinese food and buy all the last-minute
(WARNING: SANTA SPOILER AHEAD)
stocking stuffers and generally fall in love all over again -- with each other, with our children, and with the magic of Christmas. We talk about how our days went, about my parents and his and holiday travel plans, about how we'll keep the youngest child happy and calm during the long Christmas Eve Mass, and about how we can't believe how drastically our Christmases have changed over the years.
You see, when we married, we didn't want children. Children were nice enough for other people, but not for us. We didn't want the mess, the commitment, the responsibility. We were happy to be "child free" as opposed to "childless."
Then something happened. I became a Christian. Oops. Short-circuit in the selfishness department. I began to long for a child. Soon, Atticus's heart caught up with mine in the procreation department, and we set forth to create a family. After some heartbreaking miscarriages, we had Anne. But only one, Atticus said. One child is enough.
Then I became a Catholic. Oops. Short-circuit in the openness to life department. We had Betsy. Several more heartbreaking miscarriages later, God awarded us with Ramona, and here we are. Falling in love again at Christmas time, and crazy, head-over-heels in love with our children.
And all because of of a child born in Bethlehem two thousand years ago. Had Mary said, "No, thank you, I'd like to remain child-free," I would be childless. There would have been no conversion, no short-circuit, and most certainly, no joy. How does one thank God for that? I always seem to do it in the same old tired way.
I cry.
May you, too, shed some tears of ineffable gratitude this Christmas.
7 comments:
Karen, dear, please don't write things like this ... I'm sure weeping over my computer isn't good for it! Sharing your gratitude ...
Dear Karen,
Having been privy to some of the more recent struggles along the way (Atticus's journey to conversion, the miscarriages before Ramona etc.) I know well why you are weeping tears of joy.
One big difference between us is that I always wanted children. I had someone try to talk me into the childfree lifestyle shortly after we got married. It just didn't compute. It's not that I'm so incredibly unselfish, in fact I just desperately wanted a baby to cuddle and nurse, a child to read to, a teenager to discuss with. For all the messes and inconveniences along the way, they've certainly lived up to expectations in all those departments.
I too weep tears of joy for being Catholic. This has been a tough season for us as you know. But amidst the struggles one thing has shone abudantly clear: the best gift I was ever given for Christmas was the very firt Christmas gift ever given, Our Lord Himself. Of course that is the gift that keeps on giving as He gives himself to us body and blood, soul and divinity over and over, day after day, year after year. Would that my best beloved could only see that himself.
Merry Christmas to you and yours. Thanks for your blog. As I've told you before it's one of the high points in my day these days. Good luck with Ramona at Mass tonight (you know candy canes were invented in part to keep children quiet...). I'm sure that Anne and Betsy will set very good examples for her.
Love
Liz
"Of course that is the gift that keeps on giving as He gives himself to us body and blood, soul and divinity over and over, day after day, year after year. Would that my best beloved could only see that himself."
**************
Liz, I just know that, one day, he will.
Thanks for the candy cane reminder, and your always-too-kind words. We're not sure what we're doing about Masses ... poor Anne was up literally all night, violently ill .... we know *she's* not going but haven't worked out all of the other logistics yet. :-(
But, as always, these little detours can't detract from the true beauty of this night, and of tomorrow: for unto us is born, in the city of David, a Savior ... 'tis Christ the Lord.
How wonderful, Karen. Three years ago today my 7th child came home from the NICU. They had been evaluating him for a liver transplant but his liver dysfunction had resolved and they let him go home just in time for Christmas. The pictures of his older siblings cradling him are so precious. I shed tears this time of year, too. We are blessed.
Kathryn and Willa,
Let's just promise one another that we'll keep shedding the tears but we'll keep them off the keyboards. :-) Many, many blessings to you both.
Karen
"Atticus"? Really? I'm not that old!
I think I dare speak for the other bloggers at this most holy time - we shall indeed be praying that your "best beloved" will see the Star and be led to the true home in the House of Bread.
Do you know that after GKC's conversion, his friend (I think it was Maurice Baring) told him that there were CONVENTS of NUNS praying for him? Without prayer there cannot be conversions. Let us pray that many more will see the light - tonight.
God bless you and your family, and thanks for such a wonderful story!
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