tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post2045870816659228627..comments2024-03-25T02:43:49.115-05:00Comments on Karen Edmisten: Dear Father, and Deacon, and Anyone Else Who Has Ever...Karen Edmisten http://www.blogger.com/profile/04446214835142625161noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-68793392138838010962014-10-13T21:28:51.582-05:002014-10-13T21:28:51.582-05:00Sarah, thank you. But I can't imagine you ever...Sarah, thank you. But I can't imagine you ever saying something stupid. Hugs to you! <br /><br />Andrea, that's so hard -- I'm so sorry you had to endure those comments and judgments. Blessings to you and your family, and I wish I could give you a hug. <br /><br />Anonymous, wow! I am dumbstruck by the actions of that priest! So terribly insensitive and ridiculous. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you, too! <br /><br />I think -- going back to what Fr. Scott said -- that our priests are facing a world so accepting of contraception, etc., that they think they are fighting the good fight -- but there are wise and loving ways to do that, and there are hurtful and ridiculous ways. Arrgh. <br /><br />Grace of Adoption -- I'm so sorry for your pain, too, and you sum it up perfectly when you say that our crosses are always difficult and sanctifying. Yes, yes. So true. Blessings, and prayers and hugs to each of you! Karen Edmisten https://www.blogger.com/profile/04446214835142625161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-31442705348590024592014-10-13T19:12:57.083-05:002014-10-13T19:12:57.083-05:00After going through infertility for five years, wi...After going through infertility for five years, with no conception, this post is close to my heart. Thank you for posting. If nothing else, one thing that infertility has taught me is not to judge or assume. Everyone has a cross, and whatever that cross is for them, it is both difficult and sanctifying.Mike Brummondhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15276797377377334510noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-24428436044009789152014-10-13T13:39:12.684-05:002014-10-13T13:39:12.684-05:00I remember when I was in a convent, a priest who w...I remember when I was in a convent, a priest who was one of 12 siblings came to visit. He wasn't there 10 minutes before he went around to each Sister asking how many siblings they had, giving high-fives and encouraging words to those with 5 or more siblings, and being silent for those who had any less. I had never been so humiliated and ashamed to be "only" one of four. Looking back now, I see how ridiculous his behavior was, but now as a mother, it still stings.<br /><br />I have always dreamed of having a very large family; but now, it looks like this will not be God's will for us. We have three children now, but may never have more, and it breaks my heart more than I can express. Our cross is not infertility, but we have various reasons we need to use NFP to avoid pregnancy, possibly even until menopause. It looks as though God may truly will us to remain a smaller family, and I have to resign myself by saying, "Not my will, but Thy be done, Lord," even though it hurts a lot sometimes. It especially hurts when people make assumptions about our family; I often feel like I need to explain myself so other people won't judge me. A huge part of that is my own pride, of course, but it would be nice if smaller families weren't automatically pegged as somehow less faithful or holy, which, unfortunately, does happen. In certain circles, it happens A LOT. You can encourage and commend large families without doing it at the expense of smaller families!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-44820227514498302212014-10-12T22:23:35.974-05:002014-10-12T22:23:35.974-05:00Great post. We have 2 children through a adoption....Great post. We have 2 children through a adoption. We had been married for 6 years before we brought our first son home - 6 years of being judged for having no children. It hurt a lot.Andreahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03750741161713548913noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-6988106814472273192014-10-12T21:21:05.822-05:002014-10-12T21:21:05.822-05:00This is such a beautiful post. I could say a thous...This is such a beautiful post. I could say a thousand things in response, but all I can manage is to thank you for speaking for those of us who, faced with such hurtful questions, are dumbstruck with grief. And I also want to send a hug to those people (like me, alas) who sometimes say stupid things without meaning to, out of sheer clumsiness because their hearts are full and tend to spill over in the wierdest ways. sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03818420999930644450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-59048625243247395182014-10-12T19:10:45.320-05:002014-10-12T19:10:45.320-05:00By the way, Fr. Scott, I meant to say that it was ...By the way, Fr. Scott, I meant to say that it was lovely to find this comment from you today because early this morning, this post was on my mind again for some reason, and I kept thinking about my friend who has a son in seminary. I was thinking about how valuable it would be for the youngest and newest priests to hear more about this -- I had lots of unformed thoughts about all this, and I love the way your comment brought it all together. <br /><br />Also? You already know this, but we are and will always be extremely grateful for all the ways you have influenced and taught us as well. Your friendship was and remains a gift. Karen Edmisten https://www.blogger.com/profile/04446214835142625161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-4338814711432887612014-10-12T12:18:02.192-05:002014-10-12T12:18:02.192-05:00Oh, Fr. Scott, how dearly we love you! :) You'...Oh, Fr. Scott, how dearly we love you! :) You're the best. (I am turning your comment into a follow-up post, ok?) <br /><br />There will be pie here when you get back to the U.S. :) <br /><br />Dear Molly, I was going to reply to you and say it doesn't matter what your priest *thinks* -- what matters is what you, your husband, and Jesus *know.* <br /><br />But now, all I want to say is, "What Fr. Scott said!" :)Karen Edmisten https://www.blogger.com/profile/04446214835142625161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-21650885185079136562014-10-12T11:52:14.142-05:002014-10-12T11:52:14.142-05:00A great post, as always! This one’s stuck with me ...A great post, as always! This one’s stuck with me for a few days. <br /><br />Speaking only for priests, I wonder if I can offer a suggestion to those who have posted comments. Priests are guys. We’re almost always unmarried and almost always have no experience with fertility beyond what we read or from the people we encounter. We are pro-life, pro-family people. Think, though, what most unmarried non-fathers know about fertility—almost nothing. Think about how couples are different the second time that they are pregnant from the first time. Experience gives perspective and understanding. We don’t generally have either. In particular, young priests are zealous and excited about being priests, but they've got a lot to learn and in a lot of areas. Most of their friends are their age, too, and with couples often putting off even the desire for children later and later, young priests often don’t know many people who have lost children or struggled to get pregnant. If they do, this subject is only recently something people seem to talk about, and often not something people bring up to us. What we rely on is experience gathered from people around us. It doesn’t take long, I don’t think, to see how so many people struggle with fertility and pregnancy, but we need time and experience to see this. So, here’s my suggestion. Just tell us. But, don’t do it right after Mass or in passing. Like everyone else, we receive criticism better when we trust the people giving it. Invite us over for dinner, ply us with coffee and pie, and then bring it up. We become priests because we want to be involved in the lives of the people around us, so involve us (and I reemphasize the pie...). <br /><br />In my own experience, the early friendships I made as a priest were incredibly formative. Luckily—and gratefully—people had the goodness to do exactly what I’ve suggested. As a result, I treasure those friendships, in general, and the trust they give, in particular. In short, my friends who have been willing to share their struggles with me and let me share my struggles with them, have helped me to learn how to be a better priest. <br /><br />As it turns out, Atticus makes a killer coconut cream pie. <br />Fr. Scottnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-10341141135143810202014-10-11T16:36:17.547-05:002014-10-11T16:36:17.547-05:00Ugh, this is why I want my "My Other Children...Ugh, this is why I want my "My Other Children Are In Heaven" sign on my back when I go to church. I usually wonder what our new priest wonders about our one almost 4 year old so much it's almost a distraction.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17904858990740505588noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-79696325752698950582014-10-10T06:23:25.344-05:002014-10-10T06:23:25.344-05:00Kara, thanks so much for those very kind words and...Kara, thanks so much for those very kind words and for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it! <br /><br />And Anonymous (commenter above Kara's comment), I think you're right that people usually just mean well or are trying to make small talk. That wasn't exactly the case with this deacon's actions, but in general I think it's true. <br /><br />I've had similar conversations with friends about homeschooling comments. Some homeschooling friends see certain comments about homeschooling as a bit offensive, but I usually take them with a grain of salt and think people are mostly just curious. <br /><br />We can all use these reminders now and then! :) <br />Karen Edmisten https://www.blogger.com/profile/04446214835142625161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-8009593018551359692014-10-09T20:55:45.990-05:002014-10-09T20:55:45.990-05:00First, I do not like posting as anonymous; however...First, I do not like posting as anonymous; however, my phone is acting up. I'm Kara- hello :)<br /><br />I just wanted to comment because I felt you were very tactful on both sides of the fence. I've read a number I articles recently in complete defense of the woman struggling with infertility that frankly carried a tone of "those who have been blessed with fertility are out to get me, judge me, look down upon me, etc." And I just love how you caution on big sides because I've befriended many women who feel they have been shunned, pushed aside, etc by a friend in their life who struggles with infertility simply because thy have been blessed by many. Blessings to you for walking the line beautifully.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-67853181680773932852014-10-09T07:48:37.262-05:002014-10-09T07:48:37.262-05:00This was such a great post for ME to read. I have...This was such a great post for ME to read. I have a bad tendency towards quick judgements. It is a fault I have and I rebuke myself whenever I do it. <br /><br />Now, saying that, sometimes when we feel offended or hurt by another's comments, maybe it's more about our own hurt, then what the other person said. I think sometimes we assume the worst in another's comments, or think 'If only they knew'. But the thing is, most people are just trying to make small talk and they can't 'know' something that isn't made aware to them. When someone has made a comment to me about the number and/or spacing of my kids (which for me is a sensitive topic) I just smile and remind myself that they usually mean well, or are just commenting from their own experiences, good or bad. <br /><br />I agree with what you say at the end, and wish we as women especially did it more often. Let us love and build each other UP.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-43292574110246689022014-10-08T23:53:14.618-05:002014-10-08T23:53:14.618-05:00I think we certainly all fall into judgments! I think we certainly all fall into judgments! Karen Edmisten https://www.blogger.com/profile/04446214835142625161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-66654854624828006082014-10-08T15:41:00.253-05:002014-10-08T15:41:00.253-05:00Everybody has a comment about everything about eve...Everybody has a comment about everything about everybody. You can never get away from people criticize you or your family. We are expected not to judge but always we are being judged by God and everyone even the clergy criticize them selves because I am hearing all the time about what this priest said about this one and on and on all they way down to the people in the pews. It is sad. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10576127477648479718noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-91454192587214279832014-10-08T11:39:45.420-05:002014-10-08T11:39:45.420-05:00Oh, Anonymous, I've done it, too. We all say t...Oh, Anonymous, I've done it, too. We all say things that might hurt because we don't know someone's story. I've done it in articles that were intended to make a particular point but struck a hurtful chord with someone. Most of us never mean to hurt with such innocent questions or statements, and clearly you didn't. It doesn't sound to me at all as if you were insensitive -- you immediately realized her situation and you *were* sensitive to it. <br /><br />Karen Edmisten https://www.blogger.com/profile/04446214835142625161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-13609667417402301752014-10-08T11:34:28.956-05:002014-10-08T11:34:28.956-05:00People who are not in any way offensive can also c...People who are not in any way offensive can also come across that way when they "don't know your story". I did this and wish I could beg forgiveness to the poor woman I said it to.<br /><br />When my husband and I first came into the church, I was getting used to all these big families. There was a woman at our parish that started talking with me and introduced her daughter. I said "Oh, is she your oldest?" And with such sad eyes she said "No, she is our only." I told her her daughter was lovely and sweet. I never saw them again. I still feel that I could have been more sensitive toward her. I'm not one to remember interactions like this, but I still see the hurt in her eyes that I caused without meaning to.<br /><br />Words matter.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-87096827364913958262014-10-08T10:04:39.132-05:002014-10-08T10:04:39.132-05:00It is awful, isn't it? That poor woman, after ...It is awful, isn't it? That poor woman, after nine miscarriages. <br /><br />And the poor man would be mortified (in the colloquial and the Catholic sense) if he knew the reality, I'm sure. <br /><br />Thanks for your kind words, Jenny, and for all that you do and write. Karen Edmisten https://www.blogger.com/profile/04446214835142625161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-27294525568304638592014-10-08T09:55:28.758-05:002014-10-08T09:55:28.758-05:00God that's awful.
I love Bonnie's respon...God that's awful. <br /><br />I love Bonnie's response. <br /><br />Thanks for the reminder of yet another reason why we're instructed not to judge. Your transparency is a gift.Jennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07923751596148085363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-5494617840686772012014-10-08T09:22:59.794-05:002014-10-08T09:22:59.794-05:00That's a great response, Bonnie.
Yes, I some...That's a great response, Bonnie. <br /><br />Yes, I sometimes say, "These are the three I have with me, but we have quite a few in heaven, too." <br /><br />So much has depended on where I am in the grief process. There have been times when I could answer only in tears, but now, with years and distance since our last loss, I am peaceful when I am asked such questions. We have the life that God allowed us, and I am happy in that knowledge. But I still have so much compassion for those who are suffering, wondering, waiting for children ... it's hard to be in that place and also be confronted by insensitive questions. Karen Edmisten https://www.blogger.com/profile/04446214835142625161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17019672.post-58385154855220139092014-10-08T09:18:46.083-05:002014-10-08T09:18:46.083-05:00Excellent article. I have 3 wonderful children and...Excellent article. I have 3 wonderful children and when i used to get those comments "are these your only" my response was "I accept what the good Lord gives" Bonnienoreply@blogger.com